A Life Changing Event

Three weeks ago, I had something happen to me, something scary, something unexpected. It began on January, Wednesday the 15th. It was near dinner time, I was suppose to have gone visiting teaching but got a call from all three of my ladies saying that things came up and actually they couldn't meet with me after all. I was disappointed and a little frustrated about that but in Heine sight, it was as it should have been. I wasn't feeling very good anyways so I thought "it is better this way", I wasn't thinking clearly.

 Besides going visiting teaching, which if you are wondering what in the world that is, it is when myself and my visiting teaching partner, another lady, go to other ladies in our ward and visit with them. We teach lessons on the Savior, and how we can be better women, wives, mothers, and friends. It is like a 5 minute lesson. We also assess the situation in the home and see if we can help in any way with our dear ladies, or sisters, as we call them, in whatever needs they may have. Typically, nothing is ever asked of us, but there are times where help is needed and we are there to do anything we can.

  That night was also Relief Society Enrichment. Enrichment is as it sounds, an activity for Ladies 18 and up to go to and learn, play, and socialize in an environment of love. We build each other up, we laugh, we feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost, we share our love and experiences with each other and just build each other up.

That enrichment night, we were playing games. I had invited a friend to go with me who is not LDS, or Mormon, a great lady! I was excited to have her come and that she even said yes to my invitation. However, again I wasn't feeling very good but I didn't want to back out on her. I was having some girly cramps and just feeling super grumpy, but I pushed that aside. I picked up Brenda and off we went to enrichment. While there, I started hurting a bit more and kind of off handedly mentioned it to Brenda. As we sat playing a Who am I game, where you put a famous persons name on your back and then go around asking questions about that person, I began to sweat from the pain. Once the game was over, I told Brenda I was going to go to the bathroom and excused myself. Once I was out of the room, I had to cling to the wall as I made my way to the bathroom, my cramping hurt so much. I made it to the bathroom and nearly blacked out from the pain. I thought, however, that I was just being a pansy about my cramps and just needed to wait it out a little bit. After about 10 minutes, I thought I was feeling better. I headed back into the game room and began the games again, feeling sick but trying to be tough, I acted like nothing was wrong. I acted out celebrities, ate yummy snacks, and laughed with my fellow sisters.  I know I should have gone home but I didn't want to ruin the fun for my friend, who was having a great time. Then we went home. That night I told Jared that I didn't feel so good, my cramps were really bad. He drew a bath up for me and I relaxed in the nice hot water and did find relief!

The night was rough but not too rough. I woke up, however, still hurting. I didn't want to do anything. Once  Jared and the kids were all off to school I went back to bed. I just curled up and tried to sleep through the pain. I was suppose to volunteer that day in Eli's class but I skipped that. I was also suppose to go to the Temple with  my Young Women's Presidency. I am a counselor in the Young Woman's Leadership, we are in charge of girls from the age of 12 to 18. We teach them, guide them, and help them develop their testimonies of our Savior Jesus Christ. I had this silly thought in my mind that Satan was making me feel worse than I really was just so I wouldn't go to the Temple. So, I made a decision, rolled out of bed, got dressed in my church clothes, and headed to the Temple. The whole way there, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me feel better so that I could focus on the special work I was about to perform.

The minute I walked into the Temple, all my pain was gone!

It was a miracle and I am grateful for that! I as able to do a family name that I had found a few months before and was looking forward to doing her Temple work for her so that she could have all the rights, blessings and privileges enabling her to be with her Father in Heaven again. I felt so blessed to be able to do it for her. I hope that she accepts the work that I did for her!

When I got back home, all the pain came back.

But....Jared and I had planned on going to the Temple that night, having a goal that we would go at least once a month together, if not more. I didn't want to cancel on him because I knew that the Temple was closing for a few weeks for cleaning. This was our only chance to go. He knew nothing of the pain that I was hiding. Once again, we set off for the Temple and the whole way there, I again pleaded with Heavenly Father to take away the pain so that I could focus on the special work and covenants I was making on behalf of this family member.

Again, all pain left me when I stepped inside the Temple. I was so grateful!

At home that night, the pain was back again. I said nothing to Jared. I tossed and turned all night. The next morning, was Kenzie's birthday. I wanted her to have a great start to her day and so I got out of bed early to make her blueberry muffins and fried eggs. As I tried to get out of bed, I could barely walk, I hunched over on my way to the kitchen. I tried to tough through it but I could not stand the pain. I had to go back and wake up Jared, ask him to finish Mackenzie's muffins while I went to take a hot bath.

Jared said he had a early morning meeting he had to go to and then would take the rest of the day off. I felt bad that he had to miss a day of work because I couldn't handle some stupid menstrual pains. After a hour or so of no relief, I called my sister, Shavonne, to see what she though. She is a nurse. I told her that I've been hurting for three days and that even Ibuprofen doesn't help but maybe take a little of the edge off. I just can't stand the pain any more but I don't want to go to the doctors only for them to look at me and laugh that I can't handle some little cramping. She highly encouraged me to get it checked out. "Sooner rather than later!" she told me. I went ahead and set up and appointment, but still I was hesitant.

Jared got home soon thereafter and we were out the door. We got to the doctors and they brought us to the back. They asked for a urine sample and some blood. I sat there holding my left side, trying to be tough.  The nurse came in just as I overheard the doctor ask a different nurse, "So is she pregnant?" I started to figure things out once I heard that. Another nurse came in and I asked her if I was pregnant and the look on her face said it all, but she couldn't tell me. I started to cry instantly. Even though Jared and I had decided to be done about having more kids, once you find out you are pregnant, you want that baby.

The doctor came in and told us the news and his suspicions that with the amount of pain I was in, it is most likely a tubal pregnancy that has already ruptured. Jared and I were left alone for a moment and together we cried. Jared was wonderful about explaining that we'll have that baby again someday. We will have the opportunity to raise the baby and that the important thing is making sure that I was alright.

 They brought me to another room to get an ultra sound. They checked to make sure it was a ruptured egg and tube and to make sure there wasn't a baby anywhere else. They were surprised that I had lasted as long as I had. My abdomen was filled with blood. Usually women can't go a few hours with internal bleeding and I had been bleeding for three days since enrichment. It truly was a miracle that I was still alive. The doctor told me that they needed me to get over to the hospital where I was just placed as a level 1 patient and would have an operation right away. By that point I was going into shock I am sure and also my defence mechanism took over. I began joking around a lot in the hopes that I would not break down crying again. I insisted with the doctor as I was wheeled out to the car that I expected a really cool scar in the shape of a JC, for Jared and Courtney. I said, "I'm not really a tattoo kind of girl but I would like a cool scar since I have to go through this." I also said, " And while you are at it, a nice tummy tuck would n't be so bad! You better not disappoint me or you won't get a tip at the end of this." I'm not sure what other things I said, but I was super overwhelmed with everything that was happening to me by that point.

Jared got me into the emergency room, which was just across the street from my doctors, and the people were ready for me. I was undressed and hooked up to IVs in seconds. I felt horrible that I was ruining Mackenzie's birthday. I was suppose to bring treats to her school for her class. Jared called his secretaries and explained what was happening. They were so wonderful and said they would take some treats to Kenzie's class. Jared made arrangements for our kids to go to a friends house after school so that it would seem like a nice treat verses just going home and doing nothing on Mackenzie's birthday.

 Jared called his brother, Chad, to come help give me a blessing. He got there within minutes of me being wheeled away. I was scared. I was sad. I was shocked. My doctor, Doctor Matt Robison, came in to explain what was going to happen and I asked him if he was LDS. He said, "Yes", and I invited him to join the blessing. Chad anointed me, placing consecrated olive oil on my head and set the tone for my blessing. Jared then blessed me, using the power of the Melchizedik Priesthood. He blessed me to have a good surgery. to be able to heal safely, and to have peace about the baby that we lost. That the doctor would be able to take care of everything that I need and to have comfort through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He said that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and that all will go well.

 I immediately felt peace. I wasn't scared any more. I still felt sad that the baby had died, but also that all would be well. Even though Chad and I usually only tease each other and try to provoke each other, Chad was so kind and empathetic to mine and Jared's situation. It was really good to have him there!

I was wheeled away after that to the surgery room. At the doors to the room, Jared and I had to say goodbye. We kissed and I left. Later I learned from Jared that he cried as I left, thinking that that could be the last time we kissed. So sweet. In the surgery room,  I was put under and then all of a sudden I was awake again. The doctor talked to Jared and showed him pictures of my ruptured fallopian tube. It was the size of an umbilical cord, which just shows how much it had expanded from the ruptured egg and blood. I had my left tube and ovary removed and all the excess blood sucked out. Before I had the ability to open my eyes, I was awake. I could hear the nurses talking. I began to use sign language to talk to them. It is interesting that I did not have control over my eyes to open them or to be able to speak, but I could talk with my hands and communicate that I wanted my husband. I kept asking for Jared and then finally I could open my eyes and start talking. They brought me back to Jared in a recovery room. I was alive and safe.

The recovery was harder than I imagined it to be. The hospital released us about a hour or so after surgery. That night was a painful one. Jared was wonderful through it all. In Heine sight, we should not have left so early, but the nurse told us that we could either stay at the hospital or go home. She said I would just take my medicine and zonk out. I can assure you that it was horrible, painful, and scary and I should have stayed longer. I'm sure our kids were traumatized by all my crying, my panic attacks, and freaking out I did. I was not doing well with the CO2 that they had pumped into me to open up my abdomen. I couldn't breath and I was exhausted and sleep deprived. Not good things. But...in the end, I got better or should I say, I am getting better day by day.

It was such a scary thing that I went through and I still revert back to joking around verses crying over it. I have gotten in the habit of saying , "I almost died" as a joke. I did use the "I almost died" card to get myself a new puppy, haha.

I keep thinking about the "what ifs" and I need to stop that. I have this vain notion that if I had died that Jared would become some crazy alcoholic and go off the deep end with grief and the kids would become crazy goths. And that scares me because I need Jared to keep on going with life so that he could make it back to me. I need him to be good so that we are together again. We laugh over my crazy mind right now! I feel sad about our baby but I feel a lot of peace that we will be together again. There is a great deal of relief that I don't have to go through a pregnancy again, though I would absolutely have done that if we could have saved the baby!

 I am very grateful for my life! That I am alive! I love my children and I love my husband! I want to be better! I want to share my joy with others! I have not been so good and sharing the truths that I know by being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am going to share more! I don't want my friends in the after life to miss out because I never spoke up, because I never shared. I know that there is a God in Heaven, He is my father! His Son, Jesus Christ, my brother, is my Savior. I will live again after I die and I will be with my family forever if I repent of my sins, serve, and love those around me. I am so blessed!